I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
