I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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