got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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