I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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