mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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