did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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