I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
