I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so let's talk penis.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
