Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize