We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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