my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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