so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
