I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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