I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize