Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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