Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
