he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize