Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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