Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
