oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize