I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
