Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
