I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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