wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
