mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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