Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
