I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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