Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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