I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
