I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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