why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
