found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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