Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
