just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
