if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
