I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
