I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
