when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
