Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize