I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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