I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
