That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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