I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
