We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
