Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
