i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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