2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
