Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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