I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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