It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
