I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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