I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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