apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
