I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The air taste purple.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
