So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize