when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
