So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
