At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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