how do flat chested girls get laid?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Still dying that you shit outside
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
