pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
