I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
