I accidentally had phone sex last night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize