I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
