you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She told me I should be a condom model.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
