it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Less talking, more tequila
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
