i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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