Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Two words: blizzard sex
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
