Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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