She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
