Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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