I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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