I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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