When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
