I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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