I met the friendliest cop last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
