when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it glows. i had to have it.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
